Show Notes

What happens when your brain wants creativity, stimulation, and momentum—but your body is telling you to stop?

In this personal solo episode, Patrick Casale reflects on navigating Autistic burnout, chronic illness, and the uncomfortable reality of entering a season where pushing harder simply isn’t an option.

He explores the complicated relationship between productivity and self-worth, why slowing down can feel so threatening for an ADHD brain, and what it means to trust that creativity will return without forcing it.

3 Key Takeaways:

1. Rest doesn’t mean you’re failing. Sometimes stepping back is exactly what your brain and body need.
2. Your worth isn’t determined by your productivity. Achievement can feel validating, but it doesn’t define your value.
3. Creativity can’t always be forced. A quiet season may be an opportunity to recover, plant new seeds, and allow inspiration to return naturally. 

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Transcript

PATRICK CASALE: So, it is mid-September. I don't know when you'll see this, but I really enjoy the fall. I love the weather. I hate being hot. I love the change in just, like, the energy. I love the brisk feelings in the mornings and the evenings when you kind of get that fall feeling. 

But as much as I love the fall, I also recognize every year around this time my energy crashes more than it has all year, in general, combined. And it's bringing up a lot for me right now as, like, I'm going through a major season of dormancy, and restoration, and stillness. And it's such a challenge for me and for a lot of you listening. 

Like, as an autistic ADHDer, slowing down feels scary. Slowing down petrifies my ADHD, because stillness is equated to boredom, which is then in turn associated with a fast track to depression, because that part of me really needs creativity, and energy, and new ideas, and new experiences, and stimulation. 

Autism has been pretty exhausted for years, you know. Like, I’ve talked about endlessly, this AuDHD tug of war, and autism waving the white flag desperately, just begging for a break. And physically, like, my capacity is so low, it's probably lower than it's ever been. 

So, a couple of years ago, 2022 is when I found out that I was autistic. And what prompted me to start therapy back during that time was that I had just played in a major soccer tournament here in Asheville. And I was exhausted beyond exhausted. We actually won the tournament. It was a great weekend, but mentally, physically, I was done. 

And I was laying in my bed. It was Labor Day. And I was like, “I should be working. I should be creating. I should be doing something.” All of the shoulds were going through my brain. You know, capitalism, grind, and hustle culture, whatever. 

So, I reached out to a therapist because I was like, I can't live like this anymore. I can't live in this, like, capitalist grind culture, productivity hellscape that we exist in, and constantly thinking that my self-worth is tied to my achievements. And I really wanted to work through that. 

So, simultaneously, also found out that I was autistic, but my career had already taken off. Like, it exploded around August of 2021-ish. And it meant, like, podcasts, and a big Facebook group that I was moderating, and retreats all over the world, and speaking opportunities, and coaching programs. And you know, there's so much external validation and success of like, “Oh, look how many people enjoy your content. How many people are signing up for your stuff as soon as it opens up? How successful your course launches are, and your coaching programs, and your retreats are all selling out. Your podcasts are getting sponsored.”

That success is addicting. It really reinforces that belief that we are only as good as our creation, and our productivity, and our next achievement. You know, we can get into that comparison mindset, especially with social media culture of, like, shiny object syndrome, looking at other people's content being like, "Mine's better.” or "How come I'm not getting as many likes, or follows, or comments, or whatever.” 

And you can really lose yourself in that. And I did lose myself in that a little bit because, for a lot of you who know my story, you know I've had a lot of complex PTSD in my life that I've had to heal through and work through, a lot of childhood wounding, and success, and pursuit of validation was something that was consuming. And I lost myself in that for a bit. And I had to come back to myself and really deconstruct everything post autism discovery. Getting back into a values-aligned place, making values-aligned choices, decisions, collaborations, partnerships, what I say yes and no to, etc. 

But some of it is a little too late. Like, I ran myself so hard into the ground that it's been really hard to come out from under. And it's been really excruciatingly painful and exhausting. And my capacity is forever changed. And my baseline is forever changed. Between autistic burnout, and chronic health conditions, and chronic illness, and chronic pain, I never know what my body's going to be up for, or my brain's going to be able to cognitively do every day. And it's hard for me to commit to things now. 

So, I'm going to give you a little recap of the last several weeks to give context here. But I was heading up to Portland, Maine, at the end of August to host my third annual Doubt Yourself, Do It Anyway Summit, had about 120 mental health therapists coming to the event from all over the country, and was pretty excited. 

I love Maine. I love the weather up there, especially right now. Nice to get out of the heat of the southeast of this country. So, I go up there, and immediately, I'm not sleeping well. I don't really sleep well anyway, well, in general, but especially when transitioning to, like, new environments or new places. The bed was not comfortable. The pillows were terrible, like fucking terrible. The noise from outside, because I was there, my first couple of nights were on the weekend, and it was just very loud out until like two in the morning. So, I was already sleep-deprived and anxious about the event. 

And then, Monday morning, the event was starting that night. I was walking to get coffee with some friends. I got a voicemail from a doctor's office whom I just did a CT scan for a couple of weeks beforehand. And they left me a voicemail that said basically, "Hey, CT scan showed intermediate lesions on your spleen and your liver. You need an urgent MRI, but you need to call your primary care physician to handle this. That's not going to be on us.”

And I was just like, “One, why the fuck would you leave that in a voicemail? Two, now this is going to consume me.”

So, I eventually talked to my PCP that day. And she was concerned. And she's like, "All right, this is what we're seeing. I don't want to, like, make you overly concerned. I don't want to jump to worst case scenario.” Yeah, like my brain's not going to do that. “But we do need to get you an MRI like ASAP.”

And I told her, "Well, I'm in Portland, Maine right now for an event.” She said, "I'll send a referral up there to a colleague at Maine Medical, and I'll also send one to Asheville, and you know, just do whatever you can get into first.”

I'm like, “Well, shit. That tells me you might think this might be worst case scenario. This might be cancer. This might be something pretty serious.” 

So, trying to host that event while this is weighing on me, all of the unknowns, and we know where our brains go in those moments, catastrophizing. Worst-case-scenario thinking, thinking like, okay, this is it. Like, I've joked around about my mortality and how my life expectancy really wasn't going to be very long, and maybe I did so out of my own discomfort of death and dying and thinking about death and dying a lot. And to be clear, not thinking suicidal. You know, there's nothing wrong with suicidal ideation. I get it. People suffer and struggle, but it's always just been this reality of I'm very aware of my mortality. I'm very aware that the sands and the hourglass are running out. 

And for someone with my illnesses, my pain structure, like my sleep deprivation throughout 40 years of my life, I know I'm not an idiot. Like, I don't think there's just going to be some magic solution, and all of a sudden, I'm going to live this long, happy, healthy life. I just don't believe in that. So, I try to be realistic, but I also try to joke about it because I think it's scary to think about it that way.

So, yeah, dealing with that, couldn't get the MRI in Maine. They couldn't get me in until the end of October, so had to end up changing some travel plans around and getting it in Asheville on a Sunday morning a couple weeks ago. And then, going through the, like, waiting on the results, waiting on the results, right? And you're going through worst-case scenarios in your head. And I'm like thinking about like, okay, if I don't have much time left, if that's what it's going to say, how do I want to live the rest of my life? How do I want to make sure I have meaning in everything that I do? My brain can really, really spiral, as I'm sure a lot of viewers can, you know, if you can relate at all. So, I, all of a sudden, am just like in that headspace.

And then, I'm trying to host this event. I'm trying to make sure I feel “present” which I don't. And then, I'm showing up for my guests to the best of my ability, and my speakers, and my friends, and the people who've traveled all throughout the world to get there. And it's really hard for me. 

And I'm usually very open and candid about, like, here's what I'm going through, but I didn't want to put that out into the world because I didn't want to jinx the results, you know? Superstition. So, it was a heavy, heavy week. 

And during that week, I did not sleep well. And understandably, like one hour a night, sometimes no hours a night, cognitively feels like I'm moving through quicksand, like unable to think straight. My brain and my body are not in sync right now at all. And that's becoming increasingly more intense. 

So, got through the event. I think it was quite successful, but at the end of the day, it was still unbelievably exhausting, and it would have been exhausting even without the health scare. So, then I immediately flew to New Mexico with my wife for a vacation to kind of, like, decompress, get off the grid, spend some time together. I ended up doing the MRI the same morning that we flew to New Mexico. And so, I'm just waiting on the results, waiting on the results. 

And then we get to New Mexico, and the first couple days I don't sleep at all. And then, I get the results: no cancer, thankfully. They found some other stuff, but not life-threatening, thankfully. So, thank you for everyone who's checked on me throughout that time. 

And then, just couldn't sleep, even when I got the news. Just still could not fall asleep, and no matter what I tried while in New Mexico, nothing was working. So, every day you're waking up just feeling groggy, and disoriented, and borderline delirious. And I'm like starting to get concerned about sleep deprivation, and psychosis, and nervous system collapse, and everything that comes with sleep deprivation. I'm no stranger to it. It's been my entire life, but it is not. I am not unaware of long-term implications of long-term sleep deprivation. 

So, trying to get back to baseline, right? So, I got back to North Carolina on Saturday. Didn't sleep Saturday night. Last night I had soccer at 5:00 PM. I played in our first game of the season, and my motor function and my motor skills were so bad. Like, I would go to play a routine defensive ball out of the back and miss the ball completely, or like mistime it completely. I would think my body would get somewhere before it would, so it was embarrassing to say the least. But we won, which is great, but not because of me. That's for damn sure. 

And then, last night I fell asleep for maybe four or five hours. So, over the last two weeks, probably combined sleeping, like, average of one to two hours a night, some days without sleep at all, and playing desperate catch-up. 

And what's going through my mind this morning is, like, I don't feel creative. I don't feel connected to anything. I don't even feel connected to the book that I'm writing. I haven't been able to open it since I was in Ireland in late June. I haven't been posting on social media. Haven’t opened Substack in two weeks. I have just been so exhausted and depleted and worn down that I just don't have it in me. I don't have the capacity. 

And I started to think about that. Like, the why behind. Why do I need to be on these platforms every day? Why do I need to be posting and creating content? Why am I trying to force myself to get back to that place?

And it's different than it was a few years ago, where a few years ago I would have said, "Because you're only as good as your next achievement. You’re a creative. Like, this is how you make money. This is, you know, your sense of self.” And I don't believe that anymore.

I think what I believe now is, like, I want to feel creative because that's when I feel the most alive. That's when I feel the most inspired, the most connected, the most human. So, without that creativity, I feel numb. I feel nothingness. I feel devoid of emotion. I feel flat. I probably am also in depression right now because of sleep and other stuff. So, that's not helping. 

And I'm trying to force it, you know? Like, “Should I open Substack and start writing?” And then, my brain will be like, "What am I going to write about? I don't even have anything to say. You should create social media content, and you haven't posted in a long time, and this is not normal for you.”

But then again, my brain's like, "Post about what? I don't have anything unique to say right now. I don't have any unique perspective.” I can regurgitate the same, you know, stuff I've been posting for years about autism, ADHD, neurodiversity, burnout, etc. But like, does it really matter? Millions of other people are doing the same thing. 

So, I know that right now, what I need is just to allow myself to have this fallow period where it's like this is hibernation, this is dormancy. And cyclically, on a seasonal basis, this is what happens to me every single year. Maybe this is more intense this year because of all the health stuff in addition. But every single fall, I end up in this experience where I'm like, I don't really feel that creative. I don't feel energized. I don't feel like I have motivation for anything. I don't have capacity to do much more than exist. 

And allowing for this season to be the season where I am resting, and restoring, and hibernating, so to speak, and just existing. Hopefully, the weather will get cooler here in Asheville, which it has yet to do. 

And that, for me, is a really important lesson. And it's much more important than the last couple of years, when it was more like you have to be doing this, you have to be visible, you have to be creating all the time, or you will be forgotten. 

And now, it's more like you need to rest, dude. Like, you have nothing left to give. And you have to take care of yourself. If you are constantly running on fumes, always trying to play catch-up, that baseline is no longer a baseline, right? The goalposts have been moved so many times. 

So, just allowing myself to say to myself and to everyone listening, when I feel creative, when it comes back to me, because I know it will come back to me. I'm no longer scared of it just, you know, ceasing to exist. I'll create, and in the meantime, I'm going to allow myself to be comfortable with the uncomfortable and the stillness, and just being open to a season of more dormancy, more hibernation, more just kind of relaxation and not forcing the issue, because I forced the issue for too long, and here's where I'm at. 

And the fall is special to me. I moved to Asheville almost 16 years ago in October, and that was completely life-changing. Everything about my life that I have now I owe to that impulsive move from upstate New York, and combating that gambling addiction, and making the friendships and relationships, and meeting my wife, and getting my master's, and all of the things that have come with living here. And just being really grateful and open to this season of life, and acknowledging that it's going to look a little bit different.

And I think, as entrepreneurs and business owners, that can be really scary, especially when we need the money to come in because we have to pay bills. If you have a chronic illness, you know it's a full-time job that doesn't pay. So, giving myself permission to just slowly move through this and reduce maybe some expenses here and there in my businesses, maybe start to save a little bit more money instead of being more free with it that I typically am, and just really trying hard to acknowledge that this season will pass, as it always does. It just may take longer. It may feel slower. I may try to force it here and there, but the reality is I'll never be able to actually force the creativity.

And the only time I feel inspired in my businesses, and people feel drawn to me, is when I am my most creative self. Otherwise, I feel like I'm just stumbling along, you know, babbling, stuck, frozen, slow, kind of in like this mental quicksand that feels like ideas aren't even making sense and motor skills are not working. 

So, I hope for all of you as we enter into this season of life and the season of this year that you are giving yourself what you need and you are planting those seeds and allowing them to kind of grow slowly and you're nurturing them. And you're allowing yourself to step back, and kind of rethink what it means to be not only a human being, but if you are a business owner, what that means to be a small business owner right now. And trying to honor the fact that, like, for a lot of us, we do combat this push/pull if you are autistic, ADHD, of differing needs within the neurotype, different layers of privilege, different layers of financial stress. Like, there are lots of reasons why there are more stressors for other people. And everyone's situations are unique and different. 

What I want to ensure all of you is that you are more than worthy. You are better than whatever you're creating, or working on, or accomplishing. Your inherent self-worth and value has nothing to do with any of that. You are still worthy of respect, and love, and care, and belonging, regardless of any of those things. Even if everything comes crashing down today, you still deserve that. And I hope you hear that. 

And I will see you all in Substack, and my podcast, and sometimes on socials right now, but it's going to be slow going. And it's certainly not going to be as frequent as it's been over the last five or six years. And the last five or six years have destroyed me. So, was the juice worth the squeeze? Not necessarily. And I hope you all hear that too. And just be really easy on yourselves during this season of life. 

And share in the comments if this feels relatable, and let us know what you plan on doing to reorganize, or rethink, or revisit what your day-to-day looks like to be able to prioritize your own needs and self-care. I will see you on the next one.